Conflict Resolution 101

I was talking with a friend this week, well listening actually.  He was venting about difficulties he was having with a client.   He was agitated.  It seems the client’s demands are beyond their agreement.  Meeting their needs is taking time away from other, more substantial clients.  He said that he needed to find a way to end the relationship and move on.  No value judgments here.  Finally, he asked me how I would deal with this client, based on my experience.  "How do you handle conflicts like this, Jim?"  I quipped that I preferred a flanking maneuver over a frontal assault.  In other words, find a way to finesse the situation.  Look for a win-win outcome.  Then I explained that I liked to step back, confer with colleagues, and take the time to craft the proper response.   That seemed to make sense to my friend, and we moved on to other matters.       
 
Later, our conversation got me to thinking.  Building a productive business relationship requires an investment of time and energy.  Protecting those relationships is fundamental to success.    How does one protect that relationship  if conflict develops?   So much of our contact today is via email.  Communication moves very fast.  It is easy to misinterpret one's intent.  Often,  we don't take enough time to evaluate the tone of our missives.   It is easy to talk past one another and raise the ire of the reader.  Consider the crass language one encounters across social media sites.
 
Early in my career, back when we had secretaries typing our memos, my boss continually reminded me that the written word, by its nature, tended to be cold.  It is all too easy to misinterpret one's intent and to take offense.   He coached me to be careful with my tone to ensure that my message was accurately received.   Believe me; I needed the coaching as I carry the "snarky" gene.   I haven't always followed his advice, but when I have    the result is always better.  I have had situations with clients that were going in the wrong direction, possibly to a dissolution of our relationship.  In very few cases a divorce was the best outcome, so I let it happen.   Usually, the association was too important to lose.      
 
I have found that conflicts can be resolved by whatever media one chooses, mail, phone, or face-to-face.  My preference is via phone or in person as we all tend to behave better and can assess the other's emotional response.  Often a two-step process can be effective.  I like using a dispassionate email to outline the situation and then request a phone conversation or personal meeting. The important point is to step back, cool off, and get the perspective of a trusted colleague.  Never respond in the heat of the moment, unless you want to end the relationship. Even then, terminating a relationship has consequences.   Your reputation is at stake. However, that is a topic for another post.      
 
In a recent situation, following this process, I presented the facts from my perspective.  Based on those facts, I outlined the strategy I was following.  I did not make any attributions to the other party as to his intent, motivations, or the validity of his position.  At best, that would have been speculation which would further inflame the situation.  I did suggest some actions that would put the project back on track, and invited the other party to schedule a phone conversation.    The outcome was the win-win situation I had hoped for.  The project was put back on track and successfully concluded.
 
Our actions have consequences which impact our reputations and livelihood.   Resolving conflicts require a cool head and a good plan.  You must keep your emotions in check even if it means biting down hard on your lip.  Remember Steven Covey, seek first to understand.  Let the other present their position and suggestions to resolve the impasse.  Repeat back their statements to ensure that you understand their concerns.  Make your points while working to find common ground.    Most of all, never, ever respond to any email or voice mail message while you are angry. 
 
 
 
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Jim Weber, President
Author of: Fighting Alligators: Job Search Strategy For The New Normal
New Century Dynamics Executive Search